At the retirement village some
of the elderly residents have twinkling eyes, hearty laughter and full calendars! Like the irrepressible Joy and Jeff, in their 90s, who ride their bicycles everywhere, volunteer in their church and see the good in everyone!
Other residents are full of bitterness and petty grievances. One old man is convinced his gardening spade has been stolen, an indignant old lady is furious about the bossy bitch who has taken over the social committee.
Other residents are full of bitterness and petty grievances. One old man is convinced his gardening spade has been stolen, an indignant old lady is furious about the bossy bitch who has taken over the social committee.
In loud conversations on
driveways, they compare and compete about their painful ailments, the heart
scares, the bad knees, the hip ops, the emergency hospital visits, without
listening or caring about the other’s suffering.
Another faction vilifies, in
vicious huddles, those horrible dogs that leave messes on their manicured lawns
and vehemently condemns irresponsible dog-owners. They should be thrown in
jail!
The wrinkled, hunched old wives
grip the flabby arms of their senile husbands when a younger woman walks by and
smiles ‘Hello’; jealously guarding the old relic and oozing envy and grief for
her lost youth, buried with photo memories deep in the drawer with the sparkly
ear rings she once wore, dazzling the dance floor with haughty elegance!
I am fearful of ending up like
this; shrinking smaller and smaller and withering, bitter and twisted, lonely
and isolated, in a segregated old people’s ghetto, discarded by mainstream community,
waiting…waiting for something? What is it? Are these cranky old folks aching
for Grace; for Love to swoop in, like a huge soft white dove, and cradle them,
a visit from the ungrateful grown-up children who are busy with their
interesting lives.
Perhaps they are waiting for
genuine friendship that pierces their dense armour of complaints and touches
the heart with lightness, joy, humour and gratitude in still being alive! Or
perhaps they are waiting to be recognised as useful, the realisation by
youngsters that all their years of experience must be good for something!
Erik
Erikson was a German-born
American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst (1902 – 1994) who extended the developmental
theories of Freud to include the entire lifespan.
Erikson identified eight stages
of development, not just in childhood, but also right throughout life into old
age and death. He claimed each stage held an inherent struggle and desired
outcome.
He claimed from birth to age
one, the baby has to resolve a crisis between Trust and Mistrust of parents or
caregivers with the desired outcome of Hope; from one to two, the toddler
grapples with Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt with the desired outcome of Will;
from age three to five, the young child faces a crisis of Initiative over Guilt
within the family with the desired outcome of Purpose. From age six to 11, the
child is challenged with Industriousness over Inferiority at school with a
desired outcome of Competence.
Stage Five, Adolescence, brings
conflict between Identity and Role Confusion within peer groups with the
desired outcome of Fidelity, the ability to be true
to an integrated sense of self.
In Young Adulthood, the
challenge is finding Intimacy over Isolation with a spouse and amongst friends
with the desired outcome of Love.
Which brings us to Stage Seven,
Middle Adulthood where we are challenged to discover “generativity”, a term
coined by Erikson, rather than self-absorption within our family, community and
work. The desired outcome is Care.
Generativity
means the ability to look beyond yourself and to express concern for the future
of the world and younger generations. In contrast, the self-absorbed person is
preoccupied with personal wellbeing and material gain.
Going MAD in a good way!
When I hit 50 I
was also hit with an overpowering desire to go MAD; that is, to Make a
Difference to the world. I wanted to contribute to solving problems and
reducing suffering on a global level. Having lived more than half of my life,
the balance was tipped to the approach of the end and I started thinking about legacy,
concerned about what I would leave behind after I’m gone.
So that is when
my husband and I migrated from far-flung Australia to the UK to be close to the
centre of the world stage, where we felt better placed to make a positive
difference to global issues.
My progress in
making a difference on a grand scale has been slow. I’ve done much soul
searching about my talents and skills and researched causes and charities I
could support.
On my 57th
birthday we had a night out in London and saw the brilliant stage show War
Horse, with the most talented, creative performers operating intricate life-like
puppets, singing, dancing and acting with utter perfection to tell a glorious, triumphant
story.
The next day I
took to my bed and my journal and tried to figure out what I was good at! I
realised that I am not a perfectionist who could spend hours every day for years
mastering an instrument or difficult skill.
I searched my
formative years and remembered how I discovered the joy of writing stories at
age 11 and the thrill of being published in the school newsletter!
Then at 17, I
discovered the empowerment of becoming a vocal campaigner! And I recalled how I
was a passionate activist in my 20s; how in my 30s I was elected a local
government councillor to work for my community.
In my late 40s I
experienced a crisis and wallowed in a bottomless lake of therapy and
self-analysis and had to wade my way back to focusing on others. And so we left
the endless summer of coastal Queensland and came to bustling London for a new
lease on life. And these years of my fifties have been wonderful, full of city
pleasures, travel and adventures!
So at 57, I was
reminded of my true Purpose (beyond fun times) and decided to devote the rest
of my life to using my writing skills to campaign for good causes; human
rights, peace, animal and environmental protection; all the good stuff that
will allow our damaged world to heal, survive and flourish in the future.
Now I am ready. I
am passionately committed to future generations of girls across Africa
discovering their human rights and becoming empowered, free from abuse,
suffering and poverty. This is my mission for my sixties, for the next decade
of my life.
Shifting Focus
If a person in
their 50s, 60s and 70s shifts focus to making a difference for others, then he
or she will face old age with a sense of dignity, satisfaction and personal
fulfilment.
Middle-aged and
older people thrive when they use their lifetime of experience to mentor teenagers
and young adults or lavish patient love on grandchildren or volunteer in
community, environmental or humanitarian projects.
Those
mature-aged people who choose to contribute rather than expecting to be coddled
by the young are ironically the ones who thrive with a sense of purpose, joy
and gratitude, despite their aches and pains.
The elderly do
not have to end up bitter and twisted, nursing grudges and resentment, burdened
by sense of futility and despair, disappointment and failure.
Sir David is the Ultimate Role Model
If we need role
models, consider the inspirational Sir David Attenborough, who has devoted his
life to educating us about the wonders of animals and the natural world in his
outstanding documentaries.
He continues in
his creative film making at the sprightly age of 91 and may he continue until
he’s 100!
I hope that Wisdom
will lead you in your mature years to Integrity; the choice to make a difference
for future generations because “generativity” is the hope of the future.
